Gobble Gobble

This morning, the day after Thanksgiving, I woke up to find that my liver was on fire. (Many thanks to Vicki & Bruce for their always fabulous hospitality, but next time I think I'll skip that third glass of champagne.) Luckily I recognized the guy sleeping next to me, but I haven't been able to find my pants, so it's anybody's guess whether or not they still fit today. Given the amount of turkey and mashed potatoes I consumed last night, I'm going with a vote of "no". Fortunately pants aren't a requirement for blog posting.

The boys also had an excellent time yesterday. All day long Mason said over and over "Go Aunt Vicki's! Go Aunt Vicki's! Go Aunt Vicki's NOW!" That's his favorite new word - "now". I'd rank that word right up there with "no" and "why" on the list of most annoying words uttered by a toddler. Anyway, both boys were super excited to see the dogs, see the koi pond ("Waterfall on!"), and ride the scooters at Aunt Vicki's house. Damian and I were excited to have some adult conversation and spend time with family.

We also had the joy of meeting Phoebe, Bruce & Vicki's granddaughter, for the first time. Or should I say, "Big Daddy" and "Big Mama". The curly red-head is a charmer, and she had everybody in the room wrapped around her little finger. Corey made fast friends with Jack, Phoebe's brother, and I wished that they lived closer so the boys could get together more often. All the kids were really good, and it helped make the evening a pleasant one indeed.

This morning, after dousing my liver with some water and a cup of strong coffee, the boys, their Gaga, and I decided to brave the malls on Black Friday. I know - what were we thinking? Actually the problem was that I still had cobwebs in my brain from last night's festivities, or I'd never have considered it. The drive over was relatively uneventful, but parking the van was like parking the van at the mall on Black Friday. There's no better or more accurate analogy to be made. This is a duh situation, and really, cobwebs or not, how did I not see that coming? Mom and I were chatting on the way over, trying to justify our idiocy by making ridiculous statements like, "Well, the morning shoppers are probably gone by this time, and the afternoon shoppers haven't started yet, so maybe it'll be fine." Yeah. See? I told you. Idiocy.

When we finally parked the van (across the street from the mall at Marshall's - we really needed Big Daddy's lucky parking skills), we hoofed it inside and found that it was bustling, but not horrible. Perhaps before lunch is the time to go, as people aren't yet haggard from an entire day of elbowing fellow shoppers out of the way. Or maybe everybody in the mall was just so happy to have parked their cars that their spirits were high. But whatever the reason, it was fine.

We did our normal mall routine, and the boys had a great time. In fact, the only thing that really annoyed me was the people who kept jumping out at me from those stalls in the aisles of the mall, waving stuff in my face and shouting, "Free sample ma'am?" Gah! I don't want it! And if I do want it, I'm sure I can find it myself! I got so irritated that I briefly considered taking the free sample and tossing it in the trash in front of the salesperson. Luckily good sense prevailed and I did not, however, because I'm sure I would later have felt guilty. As it was, I escaped the mall with both my children and a guilt-free conscience. Now if I can just do that from now until after the holidays.

After that it's a new year, and I figure all bets are off.

Arguing

The other day I was driving home with the boys strapped in the back of the van, listening to the radio DJ talk about some innocuous fluff. Normally I like this. I find it calming and relaxing. Perhaps this is why morning shows are so popular - I'm not the only one who likes to listen to meaningless chit chat.

But let's get back to this particular night of meaningless fluff. The DJ was prattling on and then said, "Families argue for a total of 4 days per year." Add together all the time a family spends arguing, and it equals 4 days. My head whipped around, my jaw hit the floor, and I said out loud (to the radio), "What?! There is no way families argue for 4 days!" I might have bought 40 days, perhaps even 400, if a year didn't stop at 365. Not 4. Even though it's not as though this estimate is based on any factual/reliable study, I still felt my blood start to boil.

You see, my job is not stay-at-home mom, it's Professional Arguer. I spend all day, every day, arguing with my unreasonable spawn.

"Mommy, I want a piece of candy from my Halloween pumpkin."
"No."
"But WHY?"
"Uh, because you haven't pooped on the potty, eaten your whole dinner, or any of the other things you need to do to earn a piece of candy."
"But...."
"No...."

And on and on and on. This could continue for 30 minutes or more. It's like a tennis match. Corey lobs some BS over the net, and I lob it back. He lobs again, and I lob back. Back and forth, back and forth, potentially ending in a Serena Williams-esque meltdown at the end.

And let's not forget the 2-year-old, who may lack vocabulary, but is still quite capable of promoting his agenda with impressive levels of stamina.

Considering all of this, I started trying to come up with a more accurate estimate of the amount of time spend arguing. I quickly gave up on this in favor of jealousy of these families who only argue for a total of 4 days in a year.

I quickly forgot about my jealousy, however, when one of my children asked me for something else that I was unable to provide right that moment. That's the one upside to the constant arguing - there's little room for contemplation, as my attention is constantly being diverted away from whatever I was trying to focus on. Call me on the phone if you want a demonstration. Make sure you have a pen handy so you can note the number of times I ask you to repeat what you've just said.

Trick-or-Treat!

We hosted some of the family here in our wonderful new neighborhood for Halloween this year. Great fun was had by all. During the course of the evening I learned a few things:

1) A 2-year-old, much like a dog, will continue to eat candy until the candy runs out, at which point he will search out the candy of his unsuspecting brother and cousin. Both pilfering and puking could happen without adult intervention.

2) Candy does not stop a full fledged 4-year-old tantrum if the 4-year-old is exhausted and the tantrum is in full swing.

3) Teenagers will dump your entire bowl of offering candy in their bag if you leave it unattended, even though you have a sign that CLEARLY states "Please take one piece".

4) People in our neighborhood were creative enough with their decorations to win contests and draw paparazzi. Our decorations, in comparison, were totally lame. We had a couple of jack-o-lanterns and some ghosts in the trees, whereas we saw an entire yard that looked exactly like the set of "Where the Wild Things Are", complete with Max in his boat. If my jaw had hung open any longer, flies would have settled in.

5) If you ask your husband to tend the grill, you must give him time to do so, otherwise the burgers will strongly resemble hockey pucks. (Perhaps I should have saved some to throw at those teenagers.)

In all seriousness, everyone had a wonderful time this Halloween. The boys were pirates (which caused random passerby to shout "ARRGGH!" every so often, and which also caused people to ask, "Are they twins?"), and Sydney joined them as the lovely Princess Aurora. Even Baby Evan came along in the Bjorn. The boys participated in a parade around the neighborhood, which I found impressive, given the distance they marched without getting any candy. Mason wore a deep frown by the end, and I had to wonder if he was thinking "Where is all this candy I was promised! This is lame! They're making me march around here in the rain in this stupid puffy shirt with no sustenance!"

But we did in fact trick-or-treat once the sun dropped, and the best part for me was watching the kids flit from house to house, eyes lit with excitement, grinning ear-to-ear. We saw some impressive costumes along the way, including Snow White, a whoopie cushion, the tiniest Santa Claus I've ever seen, and a baby in a hot dog bun, nestled in a hot dog cart (complete with condiments), snoozing away. When we finally finished, we came home and gathered for a meal together before tucking our exhausted kids in for the night. Good memories. Happy Halloween.